The Random Express

And God created man; but on the 6^th minute of the 6^th hour of the 6^th day, he created Angelus Kandulna. 12:31 Lord Mani’s Book of Revelation

He had emerged from the depths of Hell in 1993. Nobody knew from where he had come, but it didn’t take him long to make his presence felt…or rather, his terror felt. Never in the history of any school did so many fear one man; but history was made in Don Bosco School.

He was a devious man and had his name altered by most of us, as and when a particular shade of his dark personality was seen. Angeloose, Devilus, Devil-o-pup and An’jinis’ (jinis in Bangla means ‘thing’) were some of them.

His entry in the class was never one of grace; he always barged into a classroom like some paranoid father of a girl breaks into her room, suspecting her to be coochi-cooing with his sworn enemy’s son. What was worse, he always brought with him a box of unpleasant surprises: unnecessary tests, ingenuous yet inhuman punishment methods, and of course, new shirts sewn out of old bed-sheets. This son of Lucifer had everything in him that repulsed anyone acquainted with him…and that was his biggest problem.

As Jane Austen wrote “it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife”, this man was looking for a mate when he had come in. Soon, he realised that he was the only cock in the hen-house called ‘Teachers’ Common Room’: the ladies considered Bidul sir to be one of their own, while Veer Lachit was always lost in his ‘dexot koi mumai dangor nohoi’ (your own uncle is no bigger than your country) world. But much to his dismay, he also realised that all occupants of the hen-house were in fact, mother geese—all married women with school-going children. Dejected, he turned his attention towards the girl students. Although initially he kept his focus on girls of the higher classes, by the time we reached class 8, our girls, too, had turned into damsels capable of sending electric charges down a grown man’s spine. And quite naturally, Angelus locked several targets on his radar.

Ladki jawaan, masterji pareshaan

Angelus’ first target was Anuja, who, somehow, always caught the fancy of older men. She had given an ample display of her talent in Class 5 when she had a steamy relationship with Sujit Bora, who was in Class 9 (or was it 10?) then. This had created quite a scandal in the school, which made Reverend Father Jose chastise the young man.

Next, our lady got involved with Manash Bora, who was senior to us by a year. This affair, no matter how scandalous it was, finally culminated in marriage several years later, but not before breaking Mondweep’s heart into smithereens. Yes, the first boy liked her a lot and had woven a dream world of seven colours for her, but this belle dame sans merci never cared for his feelings.

For her, he had acted obnoxious, buttered every teacher, including Angelus, played sports with a warrior’s zeal. He would also wear the best of blazers and suits just to match her occasion-specific mekhela chaddars and other Indian dresses. He always tried to tell her “mera coat bhi sexy, tera petticoat bhi sexy”; but this girl never really noticed all that. How mean of her!

She, however, noticed Angelus’ X-Ray vision always scanning her. So intense was this man’s gaze that even a player like Anuja would tremble. But this man showered his bounty on her: gave her 5 extra marks for handwriting in every exam.

The next in line was Sunanda, who was quite an eye-catcher due to her lanky looks, disarming smile, and an intelligent mind between her ears.

The reserved nature of Sukanya attracted Angelus, too, but she had her Karan-Arjun (Diku and Sandeepan) to defend her.

Pareejat was another contender for Angelus’ heart, but she had already given her heart out to Pankaj, who was a class senior to us.

The shy Pranali was the cutest in class, but Angelus never liked fragile things; he had a thing for strong women.

The only other ‘man’ who earned Angelus’ favours, apart from Mondweep, was Binit. But he somewhat deserved it, too, for he had remarkable handwriting. Nevertheless, he too had his share of standing on the bench and out of the class, and had been a target of chalk and duster missiles several times.