The Random Express

Yes, I am talking about the hit movie of the ‘80s, starring Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Amjad Khan, Sachin, Ranjita and a host of other actors. This movie was entirely based on an old Hollywood classic, Seven Wives for Seven Brothers. Surprisingly, the Hollywood original had more songs than the Bollywood version of the film. I thought about modifying the story, some of the songs and dialogues of this movie.

Scene I—when Amitabh and his brothers go to abduct their girlfriends

Instead of Amitabh and the guys, it is Hema Malini who goes to get the girls, after she comes to know that the boys love them, but do not have the courage to express their love. She gives a revolutionary speech on women’s liberation, and how living together is the birthright of every Indian woman. She succeeds in convincing them to move in with the guys. It is Hema Malini who brings the girls into the house. All the men sulk and complain to Hema Malini that their privacy has been breached. Instead, they are driven to one corner of the house, and the rest of the house becomes some sort of a Mahila Morcha.

Scene II—when everyone sings the title song

Instead of making the Satte Pe Satta song a fun one, we make it one of brand endorsements and betting in cricket. “Gucci pe Gucci ho, ya satte pe satta (betting), gaur se dekha jaaye to bas hain patte pe patta (game of cards), koi farak nehi albatross (sea food brand), koi farak nehi albatross”. Amjad Khan owns a cricket betting ring, and does not like this publicity song. He, therefore, decides to take action.

Scene III— when Amitabh goes to meet Amjad Khan

Instead of offering alcohol to Amitabh, Amjad Khan offers him water. Amjad Khan is a clever businessman and does not like wasting resources over fools like Amitabh. Amitabh is a diabetic and does not like to drink water. Still, out of courtesy, he drinks several glasses of water. Every time he has a glass, he tells Amjad Khan, “paani peene se susu aata hain”. After having drinking so much water, he feels the urge to pee, and rushes to the toilet. Amjad Khan locks him from outside and thus, Amitabh is captured.

Scene IV—when Babu replaces Ravi in the household and tries to kill Ranjeeta

Instead of using a dagger, Babu carries with him a tape of K-serials by Ekktaa Kapoor. He locks Ranjeeta in the TV room and plays the tape. Ranjeeta cannot bear the visual torture, and in desperation, runs out of the room: only to realise later that she could walk again! She profoundly thanks Ekktaa Kapoor for making her do it by hugging and kissing the tape, while Babu sulks and swears on Ekktaa from a distance.

Scene V—when Babu and Ravi meet

They realise that they are brothers separated in the Kumbha Mela. Hence they make a vow that they will be together always and share everything between them. Thus, when the movie ends, it is difficult to find out who Hema Malini’s husband is and who is Ranjeeta’s. Both of them deliver the ending dialogue together: “Hum do hamare do (pati)”.